Posted by: saltyseven | May 11, 2007

All the junk inside. (desperation)

bilde.jpgWhen I met the Holy Spirit when I was 19 I went on this awesome spiritual high that lasted for almost a year. Everything was so easy, and just so new and awesome. I was a new born baby and the kingdom of God was a whole new world to me. Everything was just so easy back then. I went through tons of trials and natural hardships..but my spirit was continually in fellowship with him. I went through the eye of Category 4 hurricane with total peace and with the presence of God all over me. lol. Nothing could move me back then. (NOTE: The picture to the left is where I used to work, destroyed by the hurricane. I worked in the building attached to this. From left to right – Chris, Frank, Cathy)

Somewhere through out life I’ve lost this place and I feel so empty inside. I have the love of the Lord in me and I whole heartedly want to serve him, my hearts desire is to completely die to myself and to gloriously live in him. I just long for intimacy with Jesus, and I have so many distractions in me. All of this junk is coming up from inside of me..stuff..that is making me cringe. Like pride…eww…omg its horrible. I thought i was humble….wow. Its like I’ll be humble or put myself in a humble place on purpose..and then pride comes to me and somehow I get proud about being humble. Does that make sense? How can you humble yourself and then be proud of being humble?

I really don’t like this..I think all of this stuff has to come out though. I’m going through a season where I can not feel God at all inwardly. Outwardly I do sometimes and when it happens I just want it to stop. I’m just at the point where I don’t want to feel any physical manifestation because I do not feel intimate with the Lord at all. I’m so frustrated, and I have been for some time now. When I write like this for some reason I end up figuring out what God is trying to tell me..I figure it out while I’m writing. lol.

I think he is trying to teach me that even though I don’t feel intimate, even though I don’t feel his inward love he wants me to continue to come to him with prayer, worship, and fasting. I feel like a bride during an extended time of war. Her husband is in a far away place and her spirit longs for his embrace, she longs for intimacy with the one she loves. As each day goes by the love for her husband grows stronger and stronger. Even though she cannot feel him by her side she continues to write love letters to him, and devotes herself to keeping her husband cared for while he is away. How she longs for the day that their eyes will meet and their hearts lock together, never to be separated again. Not even death can destroy this love.

This life is really hard..but it will be all worth it when we get to see the smile on the masters face.

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